Godzilla vs Kong: Who would win the poop war?

by Adarsh Modi

Godzilla vs Kong: Who would win the poop war?

April 11, 2021

Godzilla just faced the infamous Kong in the recent blockbuster Godzilla vs Kong and after the gruelling and amazing physical fight they had for straight up 40 minutes, the internet decided not to be weird about it by starting a debate as to who’d win the poop war between these two.

Showdown Time!

What’s a poop war you ask, I’d rather not say, and you’re better off without this information. But in this context, it is literally comparing who’d have the largest and baddest poop. 

According to scientists and zoologists, yes science is involved now- an average gorilla is capable of generating half a pound of faecal material in a single go- I’m surprised it’s not more. We tried to contact the gorilla from Phir Hera Pheri but he was unavailable for comment. 

According to the studio channels, Kong at the time of this face-off was 337 ft tall. Extrapolating the weight from the movie Kong: Skull Island set in 1973, in which Kong weighed 158 tons at 104ft tall, now fully grown he would approximately weigh 4226 tons at the growth of 27 times given that his height tripled and the other proportions were largely the same. If an average gorilla shits about 0.0016 % per cent of his body weight then Kong’s would stand tall at 6.6 tons. Wow! We should just replace cement with this shit. And that would also be an average 5 times a day, that too without any sev puri. 

(Credit of this insane calculation goes to the folks at MentalFloss) 

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Now we move on to Godzilla. Honestly, I have seen a house lizard’s poop and that wouldn’t compare to Kong’s but also the lizard in question is as huge as Kong and is in fact a nuclear lizard. Would the poop too be nuclear I wonder! 

Scientists of reptiles, water thingies and Komodo dragons and all carnivorous lizards say that these normal komodo dragon-sized lizards eat infrequent but large meals. (Why do I relate with both a gorilla and a giant monitor lizard!)  and because their inputs are infrequent, so are their outputs. Lizards are cold-blooded and have low metabolism(I have to stop relating)  and hence they on average poop 12 times a year. Also, they produce uric acid excreting it through their faecal material which turns it into a whitish liquid with soya, I mean solid chunks (You chose to read this article) so it is not entirely solid which if applied to the Gojira who upon eating majorly sea creatures would have watery and slimy bowel movements , beats the objective and pollutes the oceans at the same time. 

So yes, Kong wins this shitshowdown one bowel movement at a time.  


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